I honestly have NO idea what I should blog about.
I've been wanting to just pick up my journal and write, but I'm afraid of what words might come out. Obviously, there is only so much I can write in an online blog because it's public. I've been wanting to come clean about some things. I haven't been honest with myself, or with those who love me. Eating Disorders do that I guess. These things have been haunting me in my dreams. I'll wake up and be so grateful it was just a dream because it seemed so real. I hate dreams like that.
I'm SO grateful that Arabella Aftercare is tomorrow. I love groups. If you are struggling and need an outlet, I would definitely recommend looking into support groups. They're a great safe escape, and you won't find a better group of people. Everyone is so understanding. But I really need to check-in, and be honest about how I'm doing. There was a night not too long ago, where I considered being hospitalized again because behaviors are just out of control. I wake up everyday thinking, "Today is a brand new day, get yourself together and try again." But I seem to be failing, which is upsetting. I want so badly to be honest with SOMEONE, anyone. But I'm honestly too ashamed of myself.
On a higher note, I got a call today about a job. The girl who called me wants me to come in for a second interview, and to observe for about an hour, try and see if things work out. I'm really excited, I'd be working at a Vet Hospital. Full time. Hours are a bit crazy because its a 24 hour hospital, but I'm a night owl as it is. I wouldn't mind working from 6pm-2:30am. I'm awake anyways :P
Timmy shared a song with me that he heard while he was away at Christian Camp. I really relate to it, and figured some of you would as well. So here it is.
"More Beautiful You"
By: Johhny Diaz
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
--Oh, and a side note. Fuck the hypocrites :)
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Competition of the Addicts.
I was talking to my mom last night about how I feel very alone in my journey to recovery, and how I feel very sad that I'm not supported by my family as much as I would like to be. I am far from perfect- I'm not in school, I currently have no job, and I have a lot of struggles that have set me back in my life. However, just because I have gone through hardships does NOT mean that I have no goals for my life, and that I'm not a driven person.
Many people do not think that eating disorders are serious. I have been told SO many times that eating disorders are not an addiction, or they're not as serious as other addictions such as alcoholism or drug addictions. Yes, you can die from alcohol poison, or shoot up a bad dose of heroin. However, someone with an eating disorder can stick their fingers down their throat to purge and have a heart attack right on the spot.
"Just eat."
"Just keep your food down."
"Just eat in moderation, and stop when you're full."
"It's just a phase you're going through."
"Just sit down and eat like a normal person."
"When was the last time you puked?"
"If you think you're fat, you must think I'm obese."
"You'll just go and throw it up anyways, so what does it matter?"
"What's your secret?"
"You just need to exercise."
"If you loved me, then you would eat this food."
"You're just doing it for attention."
"But you don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder."
"If you want to lose weight, why don't you just diet and exercise?"
"You should just eat already, it isn't that hard."
"You look healthy!"
"You're a beautiful girl, why can't you see it?"
It gets so frustrating that so many people are clueless to how severe eating disorders really are. So, in my desperation to educate society, I put the following as my facebook status:
"Physical dangers & effects of an Eating Disorder- malnutrition, dehydration, electrolyte imbalances, lanugo, muscle atrophy, paralysis, tearing of the esophagus, orthostatic hypotention, low/high blood pressure, anemia, kidney/liver/heart failure, osteoporosis/osteopenia, vitamin deficiences, dental problems, heart a...ttack, amenorrhea/infertility, digestive difficulties, hair loss, seizures, and DEATH. Eating Disorders also have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and 20% of those who suffer will die from complications. So for those of you who consider Eating Disorders to be a joke, maybe support people should take eating disorders more seriously. Don't you think?"
I want to educate the way that society views eating disorders SO BADLY. Everyone has such a twisted view of what they really are, and so many people ignore all of the terrible side effects that they can cause. I don't think my family understands how eating disorders can come to a life or death situation. And I've been there. Instead I am looked down upon, as some freak who just "needs to get over it."
Somehow, the comments on my status ended up in a battle to say which was worse: an eating disorder, or a drug addiction. The answer is as simple as this- ALL addictions are deadly. Not one is worse than the other.
I hope that someday, people will be educated and understanding. It could save a lot of lives.
Many people do not think that eating disorders are serious. I have been told SO many times that eating disorders are not an addiction, or they're not as serious as other addictions such as alcoholism or drug addictions. Yes, you can die from alcohol poison, or shoot up a bad dose of heroin. However, someone with an eating disorder can stick their fingers down their throat to purge and have a heart attack right on the spot.
"Just eat."
"Just keep your food down."
"Just eat in moderation, and stop when you're full."
"It's just a phase you're going through."
"Just sit down and eat like a normal person."
"When was the last time you puked?"
"If you think you're fat, you must think I'm obese."
"You'll just go and throw it up anyways, so what does it matter?"
"What's your secret?"
"You just need to exercise."
"If you loved me, then you would eat this food."
"You're just doing it for attention."
"But you don't LOOK like you have an eating disorder."
"If you want to lose weight, why don't you just diet and exercise?"
"You should just eat already, it isn't that hard."
"You look healthy!"
"You're a beautiful girl, why can't you see it?"
It gets so frustrating that so many people are clueless to how severe eating disorders really are. So, in my desperation to educate society, I put the following as my facebook status:
"Physical dangers & effects of an Eating Disorder- malnutrition, dehydration, electrolyte imbalances, lanugo, muscle atrophy, paralysis, tearing of the esophagus, orthostatic hypotention, low/high blood pressure, anemia, kidney/liver/heart failure, osteoporosis/osteopenia, vitamin deficiences, dental problems, heart a...ttack, amenorrhea/infertility, digestive difficulties, hair loss, seizures, and DEATH. Eating Disorders also have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and 20% of those who suffer will die from complications. So for those of you who consider Eating Disorders to be a joke, maybe support people should take eating disorders more seriously. Don't you think?"
I want to educate the way that society views eating disorders SO BADLY. Everyone has such a twisted view of what they really are, and so many people ignore all of the terrible side effects that they can cause. I don't think my family understands how eating disorders can come to a life or death situation. And I've been there. Instead I am looked down upon, as some freak who just "needs to get over it."
Somehow, the comments on my status ended up in a battle to say which was worse: an eating disorder, or a drug addiction. The answer is as simple as this- ALL addictions are deadly. Not one is worse than the other.
I hope that someday, people will be educated and understanding. It could save a lot of lives.
A New Found Dream.
For months now, I've been telling people, "I want to be a cake decorator." Do I have any experience cake decorating? No. Am I good at cooking/baking? Eh.. I'm okay. Am I creative and spunky and do I wear crazy eyeshadow? Yessir. So why not become a make-up artist! :)
I got the idea while I was taking a shower (awesome place to think, by the way). How awesome would it be to be a special effects make-up artist? Dress people up like crazy characters, like ZOMBIES. So many people have told me that make-up is my calling. Others have assumed that's what I already do. I'm passionate about the eyeshadow that I wear, am always complaining about how I want to be accepted the way I am, make-up and all. So why not just go for it, and do it for a living?
I've been looking up schools, and it's exciting. I wish that money grew on trees, because I know that if I look into it further it will add to my financial stress. I don't have a job and can't afford shit (pardon my language). But I really want this- maybe, it'll make others respect me more.
I'm going to start taking pictures of the make-up I wear on a daily basis, just to capture ideas and
share my talent with the world.
A friend shared this song with me, it's called "Beautiful Flower." And I thought I'd share it with you for inspiration.
"Beautiful Flower"
This is a song for every girl who's
Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to
Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives
'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
This is a song for every girl who
Feels like she is not special
'Cause she don't look like a supermodel Coke bottle
The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you're a leader
Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives
'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
Yeah, you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You are brilliant
I got the idea while I was taking a shower (awesome place to think, by the way). How awesome would it be to be a special effects make-up artist? Dress people up like crazy characters, like ZOMBIES. So many people have told me that make-up is my calling. Others have assumed that's what I already do. I'm passionate about the eyeshadow that I wear, am always complaining about how I want to be accepted the way I am, make-up and all. So why not just go for it, and do it for a living?
I've been looking up schools, and it's exciting. I wish that money grew on trees, because I know that if I look into it further it will add to my financial stress. I don't have a job and can't afford shit (pardon my language). But I really want this- maybe, it'll make others respect me more.
I'm going to start taking pictures of the make-up I wear on a daily basis, just to capture ideas and
share my talent with the world.
A friend shared this song with me, it's called "Beautiful Flower." And I thought I'd share it with you for inspiration.
"Beautiful Flower"
This is a song for every girl who's
Ever been through something she thought she couldn't make it through
I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to
Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives
'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
This is a song for every girl who
Feels like she is not special
'Cause she don't look like a supermodel Coke bottle
The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you're a leader
Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives
'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind
There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
Yeah, you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, this song is for you
Yeah, you, yeah, you
You are brilliant
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Finally, a blog.
I've stopped journaling, for whatever reason, so I figured it might be easier to keep up a blog (I can type 75 words per minute- that's a lot faster than I can write, that's for sure). I'm surprised my interest in journaling has decreased, considering I used to journal everyday, and have finished around 10 journals throughout my short 20 years of life. My passion for writing still exists, so blog on, right?
Today was productive; I went to two groups, ANAD and Kathy Jarman's group. Both were very helpful.
In ANAD we were given an assignment, to draw something we wish to be successful in throughout our lives. I immediately knew what I was going to draw- a picture of an eye, with the very colorful eyeshadow that I wear, to symbolize staying true to myself. This thought has been pretty heavy on my mind. It upsets me that so many people have no respect for people who show their creativity through make-up. It seems like no matter where I go, I am criticized for being "different." However, I refuse to conform to what society wants me to be. I wouldn't change myself just to fit the image that society wants me to fit, I've never been that way. I'm always finding ways to stand out. When I started wearing eyeshadow, it was an outlet for me; it gave me a sense of individuality, and I wouldn't change that feeling for the world. So, world, judge me if you wish- but I'm going to stay true to myself.
Kathy Jarman's group was wonderful as always. I love the girls I've met throughout this treatment process. Before going into treatment at Linden Oaks, I thought it was impossible to meet someone who had recovered from an eating disorder- I figured it was something that's a life-long battle. But I was wrong. Recovery is possible, and there are people out there who have been through hell and back, yet are recovered. And those girls are so inspiring to me. It's a wonderful feeling to go to bed and know that SOMEONE out there was able to beat this terrible disease, and if they can do it, so can I.
On a different note, I can't wait until the 8th of August. Someone very special to me needs to know how much they mean to me- and I'm determined to make things work. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
Today was productive; I went to two groups, ANAD and Kathy Jarman's group. Both were very helpful.
In ANAD we were given an assignment, to draw something we wish to be successful in throughout our lives. I immediately knew what I was going to draw- a picture of an eye, with the very colorful eyeshadow that I wear, to symbolize staying true to myself. This thought has been pretty heavy on my mind. It upsets me that so many people have no respect for people who show their creativity through make-up. It seems like no matter where I go, I am criticized for being "different." However, I refuse to conform to what society wants me to be. I wouldn't change myself just to fit the image that society wants me to fit, I've never been that way. I'm always finding ways to stand out. When I started wearing eyeshadow, it was an outlet for me; it gave me a sense of individuality, and I wouldn't change that feeling for the world. So, world, judge me if you wish- but I'm going to stay true to myself.
Kathy Jarman's group was wonderful as always. I love the girls I've met throughout this treatment process. Before going into treatment at Linden Oaks, I thought it was impossible to meet someone who had recovered from an eating disorder- I figured it was something that's a life-long battle. But I was wrong. Recovery is possible, and there are people out there who have been through hell and back, yet are recovered. And those girls are so inspiring to me. It's a wonderful feeling to go to bed and know that SOMEONE out there was able to beat this terrible disease, and if they can do it, so can I.
On a different note, I can't wait until the 8th of August. Someone very special to me needs to know how much they mean to me- and I'm determined to make things work. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
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