Untitled.

I honestly have NO idea what I should blog about.

I've been wanting to just pick up my journal and write, but I'm afraid of what words might come out. Obviously, there is only so much I can write in an online blog because it's public. I've been wanting to come clean about some things. I haven't been honest with myself, or with those who love me. Eating Disorders do that I guess. These things have been haunting me in my dreams. I'll wake up and be so grateful it was just a dream because it seemed so real. I hate dreams like that.

I'm SO grateful that Arabella Aftercare is tomorrow. I love groups. If you are struggling and need an outlet, I would definitely recommend looking into support groups. They're a great safe escape, and you won't find a better group of people. Everyone is so understanding. But I really need to check-in, and be honest about how I'm doing. There was a night not too long ago, where I considered being hospitalized again because behaviors are just out of control. I wake up everyday thinking, "Today is a brand new day, get yourself together and try again." But I seem to be failing, which is upsetting. I want so badly to be honest with SOMEONE, anyone. But I'm honestly too ashamed of myself.

On a higher note, I got a call today about a job. The girl who called me wants me to come in for a second interview, and to observe for about an hour, try and see if things work out. I'm really excited, I'd be working at a Vet Hospital. Full time. Hours are a bit crazy because its a 24 hour hospital, but I'm a night owl as it is. I wouldn't mind working from 6pm-2:30am. I'm awake anyways :P

Timmy shared a song with me that he heard while he was away at Christian Camp. I really relate to it, and figured some of you would as well. So here it is.

"More Beautiful You"
By: Johhny Diaz

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

--Oh, and a side note. Fuck the hypocrites :)